His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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