She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just found puke in my bra..
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
