its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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