"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
