I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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