my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
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