Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
