Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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