The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
