Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
whose parrot is this?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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