If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
