Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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