explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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