my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
