I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
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