Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
