There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Randomize
