U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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