While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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