the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
