3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
