Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize