The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
