If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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