I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
