My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize