And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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