I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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