I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
