I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
