tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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