peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
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