She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
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