i barfeds in our rink
You can't special order awesome
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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