How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
