Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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