okay pat passed out under dana's car
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
