ugly people sure do ruin things
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Pants are for mortals
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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