you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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