woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
