I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
