I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
