one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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