My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
