im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
We just shotgunned beers for America
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
