I checked into jail on foursquare
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize