If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
