Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I need a beard to bite.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
