Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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