Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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