Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
