I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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