Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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