Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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