Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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