Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
i need some magic done to my vagina
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
