I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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