I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
