I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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