That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
