I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
