I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
