I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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