So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
