the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
