someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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