i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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