I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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