Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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