holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
