I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
