If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
