addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
babies were throwing up all over the place
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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