It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
