I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
