His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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