someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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