Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
